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The Illusion of Falling Behind

These past few months, I felt like I was behind.

It was like I had missed some invisible deadline everyone else had met. Everyone was talking about how much they enjoyed what they were studying, what their future goals were, and what came next. Meanwhile, I was trying to figure out if I even liked the path I was on.

I had chosen finance because I thought I couldn’t do engineering, so I chose a path I thought was more practical. Heading into the first semester, I was looking forward to studying this new subject. But actually, I felt something off. I couldn’t bring myself to care about the classes. The culture was off too, it was image-heavy, surface-level, and competitive in all the wrong ways.

Some people thrive in that world, but I was starting to see that I wasn’t one of them. I didn’t want to keep scaling a structure built for someone else’s version of success.

What drew me instead were the problems. The questions. The technical, creative, and challenging mess in solving problems. My brain, it seemed, was looking for ways to quench its thirst for challenge. That part of me had always been curious, the constant question of “How does this work” has been in my mind since I was younger. So, I pivoted. I took a CS class and a math class, and for once I felt at peace because the hard stuff felt worth it. But it led me to deep introspection. I dropped business and switched into computer science. It was scary, and it came with uncertainty, but it also felt right.

Around this time, I had just finished reading the memoir Shoe Dog by Phil Knight, the co-founder of Nike. Reading this book, I realized an obvious detail.

Phil was human.

Well no duh, but that matters. People look at success stories and overlook this detail. As a human, you experience life through trial and error. As a human, you fail. You doubt yourself, make mistakes, go low, go high. That’s what it means to live. But today, to be blunt, people are cowards. They avoid failure at all costs. They avoid questioning. They fear uncertainty so much that they’d rather stay somewhere miserable than try something unknown.

I don’t blame them though, because I’ve been in those shoes. This world punishes risk. It makes you feel like change means weakness. But I’d argue the opposite, that staying stuck in something you’ve outgrown is the real loss.

My mom, who often distills wisdom into simple truths, said something that stuck with me: “The grass is always greener on the other side. ” Then she paused and added, “That is an optical illusion.”

Everything in life that you don’t know about can seem better. It can seem shinier, easier, cooler. But it might be a trap. Your own experience is what matters and what will carry you. You must trust your path, even when it looks different, especially when it is different.

Going back to the theme of running and Shoe Dog, a reminder that coaches often tell their athletes is:

 “Don’t look back at others when running. It will slow you down.”

It’s true in life too. Constantly comparing yourself, and wondering who is ahead or behind you, is the fastest way to ruin your race.

Eyes forward. Stay in your lane. Go at your pace.

So, here’s what I am learning: You’re not behind. There’s no universal timeline to follow. Doubt is a sign you’re thinking, growing, evolving. Also, polished lives are often optical illusions.

“Let everyone else call your idea crazy… just keep going. Don’t stop. Don’t even think about stopping until you get there, and don’t give much thought to where ‘there’ is. Whatever comes, just don’t stop.”

• Phil Knight, Shoe Dog: A Memoir by the Creator of Nike

This quote reminds me that I don’t need all the answers yet, I only need to keep going.